time: 11;22pm

listening: missy higgins and the rain

eating: nothing

1. Melbourne

was bitter and windy, but brilliant. There are trams everywhere, and along the streets there are horses and carriages. They replaced the lights outside the Town Hall with green globes and put green lights in the trees. Wicked was as completely and utterly, beautifully, awesomely, gorgeously brilliant as I expected it to be. I would love to see it again. For some reason, despite already knowing all of the songs, the story, etc., it really affected me. I know that sounds lame, but it did.

2. Teenage girls

are bitches. Surely we are more mature than this by now?

3. It’s raining again

and I love to stand on my balcony as the rain falls on me, and look across the valley at the lights shining through the mist.

4. I’m really looking forward to our social

which seems to be coming along nicely.

Recently I’ve felt that something’s missing in my life. I can’t pinpoint it, but I know that I really want something, or need something, or something! It’s really frustrating.

time: 12;04am

listening: ben folds

eating: left over chocolate icing from my actual-cake-cupcakes which i put in the fridge and it went like mousse but more sugary

It’s late at night, and I am bored. The logical answer? A myspace bulletin, obviously. However this one, I decided, I did not want to post for randoms from my primary school to read, so here I am, posting it on my blog. Good work me. Apparently this one goes deep, and could tell you a lot about me. Let’s see, shall we?

1) What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
I think telling someone how I feel; you really put yourself out there with the possibility of being crushed.

2) Think of the last time you were REALLY angry;
Absolutely, positively angry - it was in February or March or something this year, a Tuesday night. I remember that because I had maths the next day and a friend kept telling me to focus, but I couldn’t, because I was hurting so badly inside from the night before. She didn’t get it.

3) You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to call one person…who would it be?
Interesting choice of destination, but hey. I would call my mum. I contemplated my sister, because I’m not sure my mum would be particularly calm under the circumstances, but I feel that I would owe it to her to call her.

4) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have cancer, Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?
The ones that matter. I would not be like “I’m dying anyone and everyone, let me in the queue”, but I respect my friends and family too much to keep it from them.

5) What do you do with your remaining days?
Friends. Family. Visit Pompeii. Go drinking in Ireland. Roadtrip to Tumbarumba. Take photos of anything and everything, so that people can remember what I loved.

6) Would you be afraid?
No. There is no reason to fear death. Why spend life in constant fear of the inevitable?

7) You can have one of the following two things: trust/love?
It all depends.

There can be no enjoyment if you cannot trust the ones you love, and live with constant doubt; but what is life without love?

8) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street…your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired, what do you do?
I tell somebody else about the dog straight away. I’d be useless in the situation anyway; like I could save a drowning dog and keep myself afloat at the same time.

9) Where would you want to go and live the rest of your life?
I love Sydney, but will I be able to afford to stay here in the future? Who knows.

10) Who’s the last person who you knew that died?
My uncle.

11) Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

I don’t know. I don’t think I’m particularly nice or complimentary, and my cynicism even annoys me. Then again, I am fiercely loyal and will always defend the ones I love (bloody fiesty Irish). Put it this way; my friends like me. That’s good enough for me.

12) If one of your friends cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend and you were friends with them too, would you tell them?
I would try very hard to get the cheater to tell them first. Depending on the situation then, I would either tell them, or tell them I wasn’t getting involved.

13) What would you do if your best friend died?
I would write her a eulogy which quoted Latin, read it at her funeral to honour her, and make a slideshow to show everyone how beautiful she was while she lived.

I never want to have to do that.

14) When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
Too long ago.

15) What would be harder, for you to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
That I didn’t love them back; as I said before, when they say it, they are putting themselves out there to get crushed. I don’t want to be the one to steamroll their hopes.

16) Have you ever lied to someone about your feelings?
Hasn’t everybody?

17) Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
About an hour ago, to my mum as I went upstairs.

18) If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would you change?
I would go back to February 18th, 2003. I would call my aunty and tell her to go home, and to keep her son with her the whole day. I would tell her to save him.

19) Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I don’t know how. Well I do, but I wouldn’t be able to adequately in the situation. But if the question is more the homeless part than the CPR part, yes, I would. There are one-way filters you can carry on your keyring.

20) Are you old fashioned?
In some ways. In love, yes. In pretty much everything else, no.

21) Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved at all?
Heartbreak. As long as I didn’t know throughout the true love that it would end in heartbreak.

22) If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would it be?
I would make my family right again. My dad would come back to us, but he wouldn’t have the issues. We would get to carry out the plans we made.

23) Think of everyone you know, would you prefer to only have ever met one of them or to lose them all but one?

It is hard. To not have met them would be horrible; to lose them would be unbearable.

24) Have you ever experienced love?
Not in the romantic sense.

25) What hurts you the most emotionally, When you let yourself down or when you let the ones you care about down?
When I let myself down. They want what I want.

26) Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to, whether you love them or not, they will just always be in the back of your mind?

Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t think so; I’m only 16.

Well they were right, it is deeper than most.

Just for something to do, I would like to see if this works.

Entertain me with your controversial responses - leave a comment with your view on a topic of my choosing.

Ok? Let’s go.

Euthanasia - murder or mercy?

time: 2;17pm

listening: letters to cleo

eating: water

Mmm… oh yeh… that’s good… that’s the sound of women’s liberation being thrown out the window. Let’s face it, in this day and age, sex sells. The hypocrisy of our society disgusts me; how can women ever expect to be treated as equals if we continue to subject ourselves to such demeaning acts?

In my opinion, the proliferation of sex in the media can be attributed to one main reason; watch as a beautiful woman advertises an everyday item – sales will soar. It doesn’t matter what the product is, because it’s not really the product being sold. No, it is instead the woman doing the selling, this object of desire. Men want it, women want to be it. So we are tricked into thinking that we will be it, if only we buy this product. When it doesn’t work, when we don’t drop from an 82kg, three-kids-and-a-useless-husband, dead-end-but-it-pays-the-bills-job woman to a cheerfully exuberant lady with not a care in the world just by eating that fat-free yoghurt which she had so teasingly dipped that spoon into, we are bitterly disappointed. So where does that leave the rest of us? With a fridge full of yoghurt and a shattered self-esteem?

The effect it is having on the women of today, whether consciously or not, is alarming. It is estimated that one in every hundred girls has anorexia, and three in every hundred bulimia. The idealistic image of a sexy woman is presented as a waif-like stick figure. This image, so carelessly thrown at our young, impressionable girls, is driving them to their deaths. This really is where the main problem lies with sex in the media; it is flaunted at girls when they are still at a vulnerable age, likely to take in whatever the world feeds them. Right now, the world is supplying them with consumer items like Barbie, with her unattainable and disproportionate figure, and Bratz, the doll with an oversized head, undersized waist, pouting lips and perfect makeup. One of the more recent additions to the Bratz line is the Superhero Bratz, which features the doll with flawless makeup and hair, and a skimpy superhero costume which amounts to little more than underwear. Is this really the image we want to send to our children? Do we want them to play with dolls which objectify sex and women? It seems that way, and it’s not going to change anytime soon.

A bit further up the age ladder, and we meet pop stars, actresses, people like Paris Hilton, famous for being famous; celebrities in general. We underestimate the influence these people, just average people to most, but absolute idols to some young teens, are having on adolescents. In a recent advertisement for Skechers Footwear, Christina Aguilera, the hugely successful pop star, was shown in one wearing a seductive nurse’s outfit, and in another, a school-girl’s uniform, unbuttoned provocatively. Neither had any relation to the shoe being sold, but the pictures are certainly attention-grabbing. Provocative images of women’s partly clothed or naked bodies are especially prevalent in advertising nowadays; intended to attract consumers with an eye-catching shot, and throw in an ad while you’re at it. Women become sexual objects when their bodies and their sexuality are linked to products that are bought and sold. The idea applies to many products now, including the body spray scents of Calvin Klein’s One and Tag’s Wildcard, which both feature women removing their tops for men, just because the smell appeals to them. Also influencing our youths are programs such as MTV, which regularly display women dancing seductively around men whilst wearing clothes which implicate them as sex objects. These media stereotypes are disturbing, given that research indicates young people often turn to the media for information about sex and sexuality. Many teens learn about sex from television shows and magazines, but this is often a fabricated representation of the real thing, and can lead to misinformed decisions or disappointment and problems in reality. Is this really a healthy environment for teenage girls to be in?

The pressure put onto girls during their teenage years is massive; as we struggle to find our place in society, and create an identity for ourselves, we are compelled into believing that everyone should conform. Who wants to be the one who doesn’t fit into the image exhibited by the media? While watching a movie with my friends last night, they commented that the lead character wasn’t as pretty as she could be. Now really, by most standards, I would say she is good-looking, but still we think “They could do better”. The hypocrisy of our society is very interesting; we complain that the media only show us perfect wives and mothers, that we want to see “real women”, and yet when we see someone who doesn’t live up to the idyllic standards the media have set, we complain that we don’t want to see them anyway? When does it end?

I think it is time we turned our eyes from pictures of scantily-clad women parading their bodies for men and tuned into the real issue in society; clearly the feminist movement isn’t quite finished its work here yet.

time: 11;16pm

listening: death cab for cutie

eating: more strepsils :)

Beliefs About Life and Things.

1. People secretly rather enjoy leaving things til the last minute. It gives them a sense of busy-ness and importance (”Oh, I simply can’t, I have this and that and everything else to do!”). Then again maybe it’s just human nature to be disorganised.

2. Comedies should never be watched alone. Nothing is ever as funny when you are by yourself.

3. Soup should always be eaten/drunk from a cup. I don’t know why, it just seems right. Same goes for cereal.

4. Birthdays should never be spent alone. It can make you feel very lonely indeed. Sharp contrast from last year, when I blew out candles by myself, to this year, when I had a surprise party thrown for me by my beautiful friends.

5. Messy rooms are necessary, just for the sheer satisfaction gained by cleaning them.

6. Beauty is not pain; beauty is enjoyable. Except in the case of heels. There, beauty is most definitely pain.

7. Even if you don’t make a big difference to the world, it is pretty much guaranteed that you will make a big difference to someone’s world.

8. A fear of heights and a fear of falling are the same thing. You cannot say, “I’m not scared of the height, I’m just scared of falling.” - I think the basis behind the fear of heights is the fact that you may fall from them.

9. Some things look much better than they taste. Some things taste much better than they look. And some things; some things just have too much cheese.

10. Flowers should not not be bought because they will die in a few days. They should be bought because they will bring a smile to your face each time you pass them and remember who gave them to you.

11. The best presents are the ones with thought behind them.

12. Some words in the English language are just stupid. Like “jump”. Who would’ve thought to put a j, m and p all in the same word?

13. There is something about peeling the blackened skin off a roasted capsicum and seeing its flesh beneath which is very satisfying. Maybe it’s the primal instinct cutting in, though that is slightly disturbing.

14. Another on the fears; I hold a great deal of contempt for people who claim they are scared of being lonely their whole life. Stop holding onto your fear and go meet someone.

15. The usage of the word “whom” is altogether not high enough.

16. If you won’t remember it in 5 years, it doesn’t matter now.

17. There is only so much you can read about history being made before you have to get out there and make some of your own.

18. There is no such thing as one, predetermined soul mate for everybody. If you had just one person in the entire world that you were destined to be with, and they lived in a small village in South America, would you die lonely because you never found them? Or would you settle for the person you love, who you probably met within 20km of where you live, and would you be happy together until circumstances change?

19. Harry Potter was such a big thing because really, everybody wants a bit of magic in their life. The best books are the ones which transport you to another world.

20. Money cannot buy happiness; this is true, but it certainly can buy things which help. Then again, the best memories are not necessarily the ones created on fancy holidays or at expensive dinners; they are the ones that involve a few friends, a few bikes, more than a few hours and a Thai restaurant.

time: 12;33pm

listening: orson

eating: strepsils

To my friends, my gorgeous, lovely, brilliant, secretive friends,

Thankyou.

For the idea of the party, for the presents, for turning up to show me that the world is good :)

Despite the fact that I was coming down with a cold, and therefore did not have the energy to dance as much as usual, I still had an awesome time. So much better than the city would’ve been ;)

This post is so short because there is no way for words to express my gratitude.

I love you all so much.

time: 10;31pm

listening: augustana

eating: a brownie my brother made; it has choc chips and lolly dinosaurs and it’s great

Ok. So I realise that my last post was all “life-sucks-just-shoot-me-now“, and to a certain extent, that is still there. However, I am feeling a lot better for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, I have finally allowed myself to be sub-standard. Now I know this is not necessarily the best attitude, and I should strive to achieve my best. The thing is, I know that this year, I have just dropped the ball. I haven’t given my best so far, and that’s the point. I think I needed to screw up a year to get the motivation for Year 12. Next year, I am coming out like a force of nature. But for now, I have finally accepted that it is okay not to always succeed. I’m letting myself do whatever I need to do to get out of my hole.

Second reason is that I had a pretty good weekend. I saw Phantom of the Opera on Saturday night and it was absolutely brilliant. Completely surpassed all expectations, it was amazing right from the start. First class performance.

Third is that I played lacrosse today again which I think is a great sport, and it was fun to use the proper sticks instead of the shoddy plastic ones. Alexa (”use it as a lev-er”) is also much nicer than I originally thought :)

Ok we’ve established that I am (vaguely) happier. Next point?

Hmm. Oh, well it’s my mum’s birthday tomorrow and I was writing her a letter. It turned out to be a very hard letter to write; I didn’t have any idea where to even begin. What do you say to the woman who gave you life?
As a curiosity thing, I asked a couple of my friends what they would say to their mums if they could say absolutely anything, and got some mixed responses. It got me thinking; what would I say to so many people if I was given the chance? Maybe the chance is there, I’m just not taking it. But there are consequences to the things you say, and not everything can be said. Some things are just there, and they cannot be put into words. How do you know what people want to hear? Does it matter anyway, or should we just say what we like? I think it would be an amazing world if everyone was completely open with each other; if you could tell him you still weren’t over him, if you could tell her you’ve drifted, if you could tell them that they are so much more than they pretend to be.

Amazing, but controversial.

As I said, not everything I’ve got to say are the things people want to hear.

time: 8;36pm

listening: tegan & sara

eating: carrot sticks

Today was horrible. I spent half of it worrying about tomorrow’s Othello task, for which I don’t feel exceptionally prepared, and the other half staring blankly, trying not to cry. Yesterday was horrible too. I spent half of it worrying about the maths, and the other half, again, trying not to cry. What fun. It has however enlightened me to a couple of things, and I hope to stick to it. Ok, in order of events.

1. The 3U Maths (yesterday)

In short, it was shocking. Everyone I talked to found the same, even the girls who are freakishly good at maths, but I get the feeling that I have still done worse than most. I mean, I pretty much massacred it. Therefore, about 5 of us spent the train trip home laughing hysterically because if we didn’t, we’d all cry. Best relief of the day was GJs with Tori… we both felt we needed it.

2. The return of 2U Maths (today)

Yes, I passed. No, I was not happy at all with my result. iPod straight in, volume up, ignored the class for the rest of the period.

3. The return of my chem prac (today also)

Yes, I passed. No, I was even more unhappy with my result than I was about the maths. I was doing okay until they remembered there was another sheet which they forgot to hand back. My mark dropped 10%. I wanted to shoot the teacher as she listed off statistics about the test. FYI - it does not make us feel better to know the rankings that coincide with different marks. In fact, it maybe - just maybe - makes people want to cry more. No iPod this time, just sat on the ground singing to myself, ignoring the class for the rest of the period.

I can’t stand it how everyone expects me to go well in every single fucking test. When did I earn this bloody reputation? Can’t you see how it makes me feel when I have barely passed something and everyone, when I tell them I wasn’t happy with what I got, says “Nah, I bet you got like 5000%.”? Knowing that I have not lived up to standards does not feel good, ok? It rubs it in that I am not at the same level that I used to be. So if you say anything to me about me being fantastic at everything, excuse me if I hit you.

4. Fixing my life

After getting the maths back, with the iPod in and ignoring the class, I wrote myself a letter. About what I want to achieve, and how to do it. I need to claw myself out of my hole. No more swinging depression. No more hate. For my life or for myself. I will not keep doing this to myself. I am better than that. I deserve more than what I am giving myself at the moment. So bear with me while I work everything out; it won’t happen overnight, but I’m really hoping it does happen.

I have this attached to my folder at the moment:

“Burn it and let go.”

time: 8;12pm

listening: ingrid michaelson

eating: the just right concoction

Tomorrow I have a 3U Maths test. You know the one that I promised myself, in some long forgotten post, that I would study for? Yeh well I’m still screwed. It’s not that I can’t do it, I can (sort of), just not anywhere near as fast as I should be able to. I probably, for the first time in my life, won’t finish a test. I probably, for the first time in my life, will actually fail. So that’s what I’m sitting here thinking tonight; when do you stop trying?

Confident in my ability not to be able to pass this test, should I stop making this night even more Hellish by continuing to do practice questions which I’m not necessarily getting right? Or should I keep doing them, in the hope that I may improve my mark tomorrow? I know myself that it should be the latter, and yet here I am, writing a new post in a sad attempt to avoid it.

In a picture rather a lot larger than a Year 11 maths test, in life, when do you stop trying? When do you give up, accept the inevitable? Or do we just convince ourselves it is inevitable to try to justify the decision? By what criteria do we judge our lives and circumstances, and decide if they are satisfactory?

Maybe we grow up with expectations of what we will do, who we will be, and if those expectations aren’t met, we cut and run. Maybe we grow up with expectations that are met, and yet we still aren’t satisfied. At what level do we draw the line, at what point do we tell ourselves “Yes, this is right, this is how it was supposed to be.”?

Maybe it’s like Pleasantville.

“It’s not supposed to be anything.”

time: 8;52pm

listening: .collection(q)

eating: lindt chocolate

Yeh ok, it’s official.

I’m 16!

It sounds so much older than 15 ey. I believe a “Hurrah” is in order :)

Anyway, I don’t actually have a whole lot to write. No new bursts of wisdom, no sudden insight into life. I have however been educated in the wonders of crocheting and bingo (thanks Chris!), and plan to pursue these with vigour now that I am “old”.

Thanks to everyone for making it a great day, I felt very loved. Sorry I couldn’t reply to all texts, I ran out of credit the day before (very convenient timing).

To make it look like there is actually something in this post, and because I uploaded it to photobucket the other day whilst changing the photo on my myspace, I will leave you with a photo I took of my beautiful city sometime in March-ish. It’s not great, but it’ll do :)