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&#there’s a place i go;;when i’m alone;;do anything i want;;be anyone i want to be#&

You know why I don’t believe in God?

Sometimes I question whether it’s because I’ve never been able to bring myself to put that much faith into one thing. I sometimes wonder if it is just my scientific side coming out; I cannot logically explain the universe and its goings on with a religion, but physics will do it for me.

Tonight I realised, though these may contribute to the overall non-faith, it’s not the whole picture.

It’s because I believe in the power of humanity. We don’t need a divine ruler to help us do good, or to be who we want to be. We have the power to change our own lives. It is not our choice to have obstacles presented to us, but it is our choice how we deal with them. We can crumble, or we can thrive. Often the most inspiring stories are born amidst disaster.

I have always liked this quote by Albert Einstein – “Only a life lived for others is worth living.”

In the end, we are all the same. We all have the ability to change lives. And we only get one of our own. You’re born, you live, you die. I don’t believe in the afterlife. I believe that this – this, the 80-90 odd years you are given – this is it. This is when we have to do our good. Life isn’t some practice run, this is all we have. Run it like a sprinter, because you only get one go. Pacing yourself – who cares. We’re not in it to win.

Dazzle the world while you have your chance.

Everyone has the power to choose their own destiny.

Be somebody worth being, change lives, make your own count.

Like I said, this is it.

&#look at the stars;;look how they shine for you#&

It’s been six years and still I think about you all the time.

Your choice that day has forever impacted my life in more ways than others would think.

Sometimes I wonder about what you would’ve become. You were so loved.

I miss you x

&#i ask somebody what the time is;;but time doesn’t matter to them yet#&

For all the pain you feel, someone is being tortured more.

For every day you ache, someone has been and will be hurting longer.

Nothing in life is really that bad.

Every obstacle just needs perspective.

No, I am not talking about the fires, or my parents.

Every moment, with every single thought am I with her.

&#the dark hours#&

the fan is spinning around and around and around with mind-numbing regularity
lethargy takes over as the heat infiltrates every part of my body
it is all consuming

i dont want to be here
i want to be anywhere but here
here is not right
here is depressing
here i eat too much
here i cry
here i hate what i am
or who i can be
here everything falls eventually

i am falling now

please
let me fall onto something soft
this is not what i want to be
i dont want it to end here
i want this to end here
not everything.

i want you to end here
i want you to stop hurting me
i dont want to see you
for a year
to help me
let me ignore you
stop talking to me
you are poison in my life
you do not make me happy
you suck everything out of me until i am empty
because you are a horrible person
you are a good person somewhere deep inside
but that person is too far buried to reach
i dont like you
i dont like your company
i dont like talking to you
leave me alone

i want to hide in my room for a week
and not speak to anyone
i want the world to think i am dead
so that they come running
and i can tell them i am alive
if only physically
i am alive

so why do i feel so dead?

&#you don’t know how lovely you are#&

I wish I could believe him when he tells me I’m beautiful.

I wish I could believe them when they tell me I’m skinny.

I wish I could see in myself what they can.

I’d like to meet that girl.

Instead, I get to see this shadow of a person.

They get her, I get me.

&#well if i ever caused you trouble;;oh no;;i never meant to do you harm#&

Why do you assume that I will follow you down your path of mistakes and regret?

Why do you assume that my situation will turn out as badly as yours?

Why have you trusted me right up until the time I really need you to?

Stop trying to protect me from dangers that aren’t even there.

I’m not going to screw up my life like you think you did to yours.

FYI.

Your life may seem bad.

It may seem unfair.

Actually no, it doesn’t just seem it, it is unfair.

That doesn’t mean I should have to suffer for it.

Trust me like you used to.

Otherwise I might start lying to you (about things that actually matter) like you did to your parents-

isn’t that what you always wanted to avoid?

&#2008#&

So this year saw the beginning of this blog, and I thought it only fitting to see the year out with a post. They have changed over time; still ramble, occasionally wonderful, now completely sporadic.

I’ve changed over time too; this year has seen some disappointingly low and ridiculously high points.

Hmm, working through… well I guess the place to start is with work. Year 11 – lame. Failed that epically. Year 12 – lame still. Trying not to screw this one up. I think that my results for Year 11 though are exactly what I needed to provide the motivation to get through Year 12 – I know that I never want to be so disappointed with myself this year. I have an aim and I am going to work my ass off to get there.

What else? Oh, well family life is getting slowly better. Within a month and a half my parents will be officially divorced, so that’s always fun. Eh, this year was always going to be the hardest anyway. Can only get better from here out.

Relationships! Oh, there’s a nice topic. I’ve always figured that the best way to get over a guy is to get under another ;) No, I did get over a guy (who used to like me then didn’t, but I took longer to get over him than he did me), got onto another (who liked me more than I did him, and lived too far away anyway {plus in hindsight, he wasn’t the most thrillingly fun guy}), consequently got over him and have found myself another (who seemed to sneak under the radar with the pretense of “friend”…which technically he still is).

Friends… the ones that matter are the same as last year, and will hopefully be the same next year. Love you guys.

Still don’t really know what the plan is to bring in the new year… I’m thinking it’ll probably be epic, whatever it is.

So my dear readers- stay healthy, be prosperous, happy new year, all that crap- catch you on the flip side losers! =P

…no really.

“the spirit of christmas”&postsecret

So I’m not exactly the most religious person. Christmas to me isn’t about the birth of Jesus our saviour or some kings bearing gifts. Christmas isn’t just an excuse for presents either. Christmas seems to have this magical ability to transform people; we want to give. We want to share what we have. We want to see other people happy.

For those of you who don’t know what postsecret is, it is a site updated each week with images; postcards people have sent in with a secret written on it.

[ http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ ]

Sometimes they get responses; this one certainly did. This to me is “the Christmas spirit”.

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 5:18 AM
Subject: timecard you’re not alone

My son just wrote Santa last night asking for that special present and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that “Santa’s” back injury has kept HER from waiting tables the past two weeks .

my secret:
I wish Santa Claus was real so on Christmas no child would have to go without and no parent would have to feel like they failed there child.

-Amber (with permission)

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2008 12:11 AM
Subject: re: timecard you’re not alone

I know I cannot do this for every child out there, but if you would tell her that there is someone out there willing to try and buy their son that gift, then I would appreciate it very much.

I am a college student with a limited budget, but it would be a lovely Christmas present for me if I were able to put a smile on the faces of two strangers on Christmas morning.

—–Email Message
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 11:53 PM
Subject: RE: timecard you’re not alone

First off let me tell you how thankful I am to you and your wonderful offer. I was not in anyway expecting any sort of help I just wanted to let this person know they were not alone.

Gratefully yours,
-Amber

[Frank's Note:] (I asked Amber to set-up a PayPal account using this email address for those of us wanting to help.)
(PayPal Account information removed, as per Ameber’s request.)

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2008 4:05 PM
Subject: extra credit good karma AMBER

I made a donation and I was surprised at how good it felt. One does not have to be a millionaire to feel the joy of being generous.

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2008 5:04 PM
Subject: RE: timecard you’re not alone

Frank,

Santa Claus is real and is alive and well. He lives in you and others like you all over the world. I am overwhelmed by the love and generosity strangers have shown my family today. I never would have imagined it would get as large a response in such little time as it has. Not only will I be able to afford the present he asked for but clothes and other necessities I had been putting off.

At this time I am asking that you remove my paypal account from postsecret and I urge anyone else who wants to help someone in need to get into contact with their local community action centers.

Thank you for making my wish come true,
-Amber

ps I will send pictures of christmas morning!

Merry Christmas everyone :) xoxoc.

&#blackbird singing in the dead of night;;take these broken wings and learn to fly#&

I watched Definitely, Maybe tonight. It was really nice.

I’m in a really good mood now.

I stepped onto the balcony and just watched the valley. Lights flicking on, off, on, off.

The bright blue Christmas lights that someone has put up.

And the clouds were moving slowly across the blackness and I just felt so peaceful thinking about things and people and a person.

This isn’t going anywhere, I just thought it was time for a more happy blog.

This is good.